Currently Watching The Children of Heaven see related

Why hello peoples!

Long time no write, eh?  Look, i'm really sorry about the long wait but...well actually i did it on purpose.  And i have an explaination!

I came to the conclusion a little while ago that i was spending entirely too much time on the computor.  Not that any of what i was doing wasn't profitable or anything like that...it's just that me and my 'lil computor needed some time away from eachother.  Besides, if i hadn't taken a break when i did, i probably would've beaten the brains out of my computor.  Did you know that comutor can be so addicting?  I mean, it's okay if you need to be on the computor a lot for a job or something...but if in every time passing the computor, there's just this iresistable urge to sit in front of the thing and stare blankly at the screen...and somehow you find something to do with the mouse...and somehow your intended five minutes somehow turned into three hours...did i just admit to that?  Ok, yes, i admit that i got a little addicted. 

Thank ya'lls for being so understanding...and for all the great comments that only encouraged me; reminding me of how long it'd been since i'd last written, and realizing what a great job i've been doing away from the computor.  I've gotten a whole, long book read!  yay!  And before, it took me like six months to read one!  aah!  good grief!

alrighty, i must be off.  This post was just...an update...to let you know that i'm still alive and stuff.  Everything's going good.

Shabbat Shalom,
Jamie Lynn

Currently Playing Closer By Josh Groban 12 see related

Okay, I just have one very short question to ask, and you all can tell me what you think:

Is venting a good or bad thing?  Does it really make you feel better?  Does it really accomplish anything?

Cooking can be a wonderfull thing, or a very miserable thing for someone that doesn't enjoy it.  I think I enjoy it for the most part.  It's strange coming to the realization that it's something that you have to do though.  That if you don't cook, you don't eat.  How incredibly profound that is.  I guess you can't understand what I'm saying unless you've actually experienced cooking.  It's such a wonderfull feeling when it feels fulfilling to cook!  It's a deep experience, I'll tell you that.  It's such a wonderfull atmosphere to be in...to be in the kitchen.  I've been there a lot this week.  It's amazing how much good thinking time it's allowed me...

My hands moved slowly across the wet pot as the running sink water and dirty dishes slowly faded out.  A sudden thought came to me as I perceived a shocking realization.  It was frightening.  I saw a pasttime of mine, a miserable one....I saw myself today...a miserable one...what?! 
"But what happened?  I thought I dealt with that, didn't I?  I was much better?  Why am I feeling this way again?"  I questioned angrily. 
It was then that I saw it...the misery and confusion and the mind games...I saw them standing in front of me.  I felt suddenly bare and lonely.
"What happened?  Why was that there with me?"  I questioned.  "I thought that was me!"
A strange dissipointement arose at seeing the foreign object.
"But maybe it is me, maybe..."
"But no, your not!  This is me, and you are not!"
"But you did like it, didn't you?  You liked it when I was here?  Even in all the saddness and lonliness, you know deep down that you had a kinship with me...you really did like living in your own world, didn't you?  You liked being with me, you liked being with yourself."
"That's a lie!  You're lying to me again!  Stop it!"
A mask slid off the image before me.  It was not myself, and I saw it's hideousness for what it was.
"Does this mean I'm alone again?"  I asked myself.  "If I don't have that anymore...if that's not me...if I don't have to be that...then what SHOULD I be?
"maybe..."  a voice echoed in the back of my mind.
"Shut up will you!  Would you please just shut up!  Even if I do fall for your stupid tricks again, you cannot take over completely, I'll still be here, I'll still be able to do the right thing regardless of how your confusing my mind.  You make me afraid to be happy.  Even now!  You make me afraid to think of being without you!  But that's one of your stupid lies too, and I can see that."

I know God must be helping me.  How could my confused self ever've thought clearly for a moment without help?  It's scary to think sometimes that if I were ever alone, I'd be so alone...thank God I'm not!

I heard the water running out the faucet and dripping loudly into the empty sink, and I was suddenly aware of the soapy spongue in my hand.  I sighed.  I felt scared thinking about letting it go...but even more scared thinking about letting it stay...I knew I couldn't...and I knew I wouldn't be alone...

Currently Watching The Terminal (Widescreen Edition) By Tom Hanks, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Chi McBride see related

I really don't feel like updating at all.  But that's pretty pitaful that it's been...uh, as long as it has...since I've last updated.  Sooooo....let's see.

I've had lots of fun watching my sis and Sonny together.  They make a great pair those two.  We went to Hershey, PA for a couple days.  It was totally sweet, and by the end, I was so sick of milk chocolate!  My little sister had way too many sweets, and was going off the walls, bouncing back and forth, not hardly stopping for a break.  It was tiring just watching her!

Last night, I made a discovery to myslef that I tend to be neurotic a lot.  I rarely feel emotionally stable and my emotions seem to change overnight every night.  It's kind of scary sometimes to think that I have no idea what I'll be like tomorrow.  Will I be happy or sad; stable or unstable; loving or angry; energetic or tired; optimistic or pecimistic...who knows? 
The reality of it is that I DO have a choice.  No matter what my brain tells me...I have a CHOICE of how I respond to things.  I have a choice!  That is the reality of it.

Last Wednesday/Thursday, we had this huge ice storm and lost power for twelve hours.  We lit lamps and stuff all over the house.  It was really, really fun.  There are still some places around that are recovering from it and still do not have power.  But I'll tell ya', Pennsylvania sure looks pretty now!  Everything is covered with a layer of glistening ice.  I was walking in the field by our house, and every step I took was loud cracking ice and echoed back loudly from the mountain.  It felt just like that little squirl guy on Ice Age.  Haha!  That was pretty funny!

Okay, whew!  That wasn't too terribly hard.  Anyways...later.

Jamie

Currently Watching The Italian Job (Full Screen Edition) By Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Donald Sutherland, Jason Statham, Seth Green, Mos Def, Edward Norton see related

It is the weirdest feeling when someone from my past visits.  When I see them, something registers in my brain, and I feel like the exact same person I was when I last knew them.  It can be a really terrible feeling.  Especially when that time of my life was not a favorable one.

Sometimes things I thought for sure I had gotten over appeared to return to me.  I thought I had changed?  I thought for sure that I'd grown and learned how to deal with those things!  My heart literally pounded.  My eyes looked around nervously, and I was afraid too let anyone's eyes meet mine.  What was happening?  I tried to think and straighten myself out.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't think hard enough to remember that I HAD changed, and I HAD grown, and I HAD learned how do deal with and respond to some things. 

I eventually came back to my present self later on.  Nonetheless, it's pretty freaky whenever I think about that.  But it's okay, I know I can keep growing.  I know I can keep growing, and I just have to remember who I am.  That'll come in handy for me next time.

***

This week, I went in to get my permit.  I failed the test the first time.  I was really dissipointed.  I thought for sure that I would pass.  I went in the next day to try again and passed.  There were two other girls there who were also taking the test for the second time.  They both passed as well.  So, we came up with this theory that the Pennsylvania DMV MAKES people fail the first time!hehe.  It made us feel better anyhow. 

Okay well, this is me signing off only one hour from the new year of 2005.  Happy New Years!

Jamie Lynn